An X-Rated Look at the Rapids Thugcast #14
Apparently it’s my new trend to skip every other thugcast. This is because I’m a bum. Or because I’m now busy writing hard-hitting journalism for Burgundy Wave! You decide.
Anyhow…what’s dirty this week?
“When they get together, fireworks happen”
Well, that’s more romantic than dirty. Ahh, young footie players in love…an inevitable result of playing with their balls all day, I suppose.
“All he needs is a ball coming at him, he’ll go get it”
And hoo boy do they like their balls!
OK, so, not dirty at all, but I enjoyed the deconstructionist take on Scott Palguta.
“The simulaecra of the Palguta” and “Hyper-Palguta” and “The Palguta multiverses”, amongst others, prompted some lofty contemplation of the many tiers of Palguta-ness. I’m personally waiting for the Palguta Singularity to happen. It’ll just like the last episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion, except less whining and more soccer. Woo!
Anyhow, if none of this makes any sense to you, it means you haven’t listened to this week’s thugcast yet. So, go listen, stat!
An X-Rated Look at the Rapids Thugcast #12
So I miss one week of reviewing the Thugcast (so sorry *sob*), and all of the sudden it’s back to being PG and Grandma-friendly (and as I like to imagine that at least 80% of the Thugcast’s listenership has grandchildren, this is perfectly understandable). Well, I can find something perverted in pretty much anything (it’s a talent, really), so I did manage to pull out a few gems.
“That’s how packed the Dick could be”
And I for one am a big fan of a packed Dick!
“Whatever Pickens tells you to do, do it!”
Rawr! I always suspected Pickens was a dom.*
“Gary Smith just kept pounding Caleb Folan on the field…”
God, I hope they used protection.
OK, so that wasn’t as many dirty things as usual. I’ll try hard next time, I promise! As a consolation, here’s a song that all of you should know by heart for the next time Kamani Hill does something awesome out on the field (or, you know, gets put on the field).
“Kama Kama Kama Kama Kama Kamani Hill! He comes and goes! He comes and gooooooeees!”
If you haven’t listened to this week’s Thugcast, be sure to give it a listen!
And on that note, kicky kicky pass pass! Here’s to the Rapids winning 5-0 against Chivas!
*If there are any Pickens BDSM erotica writers out there, please send me any steamy stories and I will happily publish them on here. And if you aren’t a Pickens BDSM erotica writer, well, what better time to become one than now?!
An X-Rated Look at the Rapids Thugcast #10
So we start with the blatantly obvious:
“Gushing all over the place.”
“Like old faithful.”
“All over the internet.”
It’s almost like the hosts are aware of my puny existance…sitting on the edge of my seat…waiting breathlessly for the next soccer-related double entendre…really makes me feel in touch with the universe. Well, Uranus, at least.
“That’s the power of the Dick.”
The Dick (’s Sporting Goods Park) is powerful indeed!
So, I really want the Golden Boot to be something dirty and scandalous. I’m not quite sure what, though. I’d really just like to use “Golden Boot” in the same sentence as Santorum. On a regular basis.
“Cumming at the Dick lolq” is brilliant, and I really hope whoever posted that continues to comment with similarly insightful statements. My life feels so fulfilled my inspirational comments such as that.
“A team that’s willing to ‘work the ball into the box.’”
“…RSL would just do long-balling.”
Oh, Real Salt Lake will be doing some “long-balling” alright!
And on a final note, that Golden Boot really gets all RSL’d with Santorum sometimes! Oh, and go listen to the Rapids Thugcast #10 so these comments make any sort of sense at all.
An X-Rated Look at the Rapids Thugcast #9
There weren’t quite as many dirty double entendres this week as I was hoping for. Luckily, I’m blessed with the ability to find something perverse in pretty much anything, so it worked out quite well nonetheless.
“Wells’s game involves ball-chasing”
Didn’t know he swung that way, actually! Rawr!
“They go in hard, and they go in with a leg up”
That’s flexibility, right there!
“You have one of the most stacked teams in the league.”
And, secret #3874928743432 about me: I giggle internally every time Omar Cummings is mentioned. Oh, like you don’t. I giggle doubly every time his name is mentioned in the same sentence as Dick’s Sporting Goods Park. This is because I am actually a 13 year old.
Anyhow, go listen to this week’s thugcast for all of your Thugtastic Rapids soccer scandal! There’s even fake British accents! I for one support having all future Thugcasts done in fake British accents, preferably Cockney.
An X-Rated Look at the Rapids Thugcast #8
We all know that soccer/futbol is a dirty sport, the Rapids being the dirtiest of them all! So, here’s a few juicy bits from this week’s Thugcast.
In the hole and overloading the “flanks” were salaciously tossed around. Here’s a few other good quips:
“I enjoyed it when he scored.”
“He’s just ‘all over the field.’”
“He sees him coming in, and this is a one-on-one situation with the Keeper.”
That one’s in reference to Tony Cascio. But let’s be honest here. If you were a keeper and saw this guy coming at you, wouldn’t you want a “one-on-one situation?”
And, here’s a few more!
“They had him ‘riding the pine’ for the first 60 minutes.”
“You have no ‘locker room chemistry’.”
“Pareja was ‘pounding that’ all season long.”
“Rectum? I killed ‘em!”
Whew! Well, I’m exhausted after going through all of those. Anyhow, here’s a link to the non x-rated summary of the Thugcast over on Burgundy Wave!
Colorado Rapids VS Columbus Crew - Game Recap
Holy cow, so there was this soccer game, and the weather was freaking awesome. I managed to not get drunk at the tailgate, and everyone was bleeding. Burgundy, that is! Even my hair! And it will bleed burgundy on my sheets, my towels, and pretty much everything it touches until the burgundy starts washing out. Such is the nature of burgundy.
So yeah, game. Pickens showed up in his stylish blue PJs. Everyone thought the bunny slippers would detract from his ability to block balls, but block dem balls he did! Bunny slippers of doom, indeed. And then there were these players all wearing yellow, and they didn’t score any goals. And then various people kept tripping over each other and falling down. And then Drew Moor was all like “WEEE IMA KICK DIS BALL.” And he did, and everyone started hooting and hollering and throwing teeny pieces of paper at each other. And then the yellow team kept scoring no goals. Then later, Quincy was all like “Amarikwa! F*** Yeah!” and scored a goal too. It helped that the Crew’s keeper, backup keeper, and back-em-up keeper were all suffering from a bad case of the “We live in Ohio. Sadface!” and thus the keeper’s position was filled by a traffic cone for this game. The traffic cone did surprisingly well in the keeper’s position (we can only assume it comes from a long line of traffic cones skilled in the art of keeperdom), but dem two balls still slipped on through. Part of this is because Drew Moor is actually a ninja. The Brunette Ninja, in fact. There’s an underground scheme to have every Rapids player have different hair colors, so they’d have a whole spectrum of ninjas. The theory is that they’d gain super powers and be able to fight villians for the greater good at this point, along with wearing neat matching spandex suits. This theory is generally poo-pood by die-hard Rapids fans, however, as they’ve already long blown all their hard-earned cash on burgundy clothing, and having to buy things in actual other colors would be a poor way to spend the scant few coins left over to blow on beer, bangers, and mash at the Bulldog. That, and fighting villains would leave little time left over for fighting the real evil. AKA Real Salt Lake.
In conclusion, OMG! Yay! Balls! Rapids! WOOOOOOOOOOO11111111!!!!!!!.
Graphics for all!
I added a graphics page to rapidsthuglife.com. Layout has also evolved slightly to keep up with graphics update. Wooo!
Next in the queue? Global sidebars - mostly so there’s a place for links to live, both internal and external. BSG propaganda may also reside there. I mean, what *can’t* you do with a sidebar, really? I’ve got a pile of links, just need to get them up there.
Oscar Pareja needs a song, dangit!
It has come to my attention that Oscar Pareja, the new coach for the Rapids, is in dire need of a song. After considering, and thusly rejecting, a wide array of ultimately unsuitable songs (and, for that matter, after being threatened after tentatively putting forth the idea of using a Bieber song), the realization of the perfect song slapped me upside the head like a day-old halibut.
And so it goes, to the tune of “Oh Suzanna”:
He’s come from FC Dallas to the Rapids family
He’s going to lead the Rapids on to mighty victory
Oscar Pareja, oh won’t you coach for me?
He’s a come from FC Dallas to the Rapids Family!
OK, so the actual “Oh Suzanna” has four lines, and then a chorus, rather than the paltry “2 lines and chorus” dealio above. But, I’m a bit cracked out on too little sleep and too much hummus, which takes a real toll on the old noggin here. Speaking of that “sleep” thing…